Trust In the Lord With All Your Heart

Proverbs 3:5 says: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding."

I believe in God. I really do. TRUST is a harder thing for me to accomplish.

I have no doubt that God is real. I have no doubt that God is all powerful. I believe that God CAN do anything. I'm not always so sure that the actions God WILL take are going to be what I would recognize as "Good" for me.

I generally believe that in the ETERNAL sense of the grand plan, all things collectively work together for good. But I strongly suspect that along the way of accomplishing all that good, sometimes individual lives must cope with all sorts of chaos, confusion and suffering. And that scares me. While I accept that God knows and loves me, I know from experience that in the interest of preserving free agency (both my own and that of others), and as a consequence of the fallen nature of this mortal world, horrible things will be allowed to occur in my life no matter how good or how faithful I may be.

So just what is it I am supposed to TRUST? Trust that He knows what is best for me? Trust that even when crummy stuff happens He can turn it into something good, even something holy?

YES.

Still, I struggle a lot with sorting out how much I should simply surrender to my life, being content to bear witness and learn from whatever unfolds there, and how much I should go all pro-active, deliberately striving to shape and mold the direction I will go in.

I really do believe that God has a plan for me. He just hasn't chosen to share the details of exactly what that entails. So I must stand in the face of tremendous uncertainty and ambivalence. I am now at a crossroads in my life once more - trying to decide what sort of work I will do and where in the country I will choose to live.

Does it matter to God if I am a teacher or a plumber or a social worker or a sales clerk? I don't really think so. Does he care if I live in Oregon or Arizona, Idaho or Alaska? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I think that events have been put into place specifically in order to guide me to a different situation where I will be able to influence and/or be influenced by particular people I need to come in contact with. Other times that seems pretty arrogant. Surely God has plenty of other people fit to do whatever job that needs doing in other places and it seems to stand to reason that there is plenty of important work I could accomplish right here were I am now. Why would I think I am so uniquely qualified or necessary to carry out some specific part of His plan somewhere else?

I honestly don't know what to think.

Did God influence the mergers of multi-national corporations so we would experience a transfer from Arizona to Ohio where my testimony of the gospel found fertile ground for growth? Was it God's hand at work when company changes came again, sending us this time to Michigan where my sweet husband served as Branch President for seven and a half years and had many opportunities to be a force for good among the people he served? Or does God simply USE rather than orchestrate events? Maybe stuff just happens and God then takes whatever circumstances occur to accomplish His will.

Does it matter which is which?

I just flat out do not know.

I want to TRUST that God will guide me and then provide the requisite opportunities I need to do whatever it is He wants me to do. However, I don't always have confidence I will recognize that guidance when it comes.

One of my core beliefs is that faith and fear cannot co-exist. One will always push out the other. I want to live my life focused on FAITH. That, more than anything else, is what I am working to do. But TRUST...that is a totally different kettle of fish, and really, really hard for me. There is much about trusting which I have yet to learn.

In the coming months, I have no doubt that the lessons will appear...

I Believe In Christ

I had let this blog drop by the way side after beginning it in 2007. I continued to do some spiritual writing privately, but did not feel motivated to post it where others could see it. For a while I participated in Waters of Mormon, but then lost interest in that as well.

Now I am ready to start again. Undoubtedly, there are feelings and experiences that are so sacred they should be kept private. Those I will continue to ponder quietly in my heart. But there is much about my journey to come closer to the Savior which is worth sharing. If nothing else, perhaps in days to come my children and grandchildren will see this, and I want them to know that I did indeed have a very strong testimony of Jesus Christ. I want them to know that I believed in the power of the Priesthood, in the work we do in Temples, and that repentance is real and possible.

So I am starting again.

This morning I was exploring around the website JesusChrist.lds.org which is a relatively new tool my church has developed to proclaim to the world what it is we believe about Jesus Christ. It's a great resource!

Over the coming months I hope to find ways to express what it is I currently believe about matters of faith, and use this blog not only as a record of my faith, but also as a place to explore and increase my efforts to grow closer to God.

There is so much uncertainty in the world... now, more than ever I think it matters that I hold on tight to the one thing I KNOW I can be sure of: God lives. He is real. He is the creator of this world, this universe, and my spirit. He knows me on a very specific, personal, individual level and He cares about the choices I make. He has my best interest at heart. He wants me to be all I was created to be.

So this record will be one of the ways I work toward becoming just that.

Forgiveness Sunday

Today is called "Forgiveness Sunday" among my Orthodox friends. At the beginning of Lent each year they practice a formal ritual of asking each other's forgiveness for any offence, discourtesy or disrespect which may have come between them over the past year. This prepares them well for the sacrament of Penance when they ask the Lord to forgive their sins, which forgiveness will be granted us only if we ourselves forgive each other. "If ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matt. 6.14, 15)"

Also on this Sunday there is a commemoration of the expulsion of Adam and Eve from paradise.

Adam was banished from Paradise through disobedience
and cast out from delight,
beguiled by the words of a woman.
Naked he sat outside the garden, lamenting 'Woe is me!'
Therefore let us all make haste to accept the season of the Fast
and hearken to the teaching of the Gospel,
that we may gain Christ's mercy
and receive once more a dwelling-place in Paradise.

(Sticheron from Lord I have cried, 6th tone, Forgiveness Sunday)

During the 40 days of Lent, those who observe the fast will eat no meat, milk, cheese, eggs or other dairy products. From Forgiveness Sunday until Pascha there are other physical sacrifices made as well. However, the teaching about this that is most powerful to me says: "The services of the church and the fathers stress over and over that our physical fast from food is useless if we do not also strive to "fast" from our iniquities. Fasting from food is an important aid to the help purify the soul, and to gain in virtue." (http://www.orthodox.net/questions/forgiveness_sunday_1.html#a4)

I am not Orthodox. But my own spiritual walk has been deeply enriched by learning about Lent. Today I begin my own Fast and shift my thoughts to increased prayer and study, in an effort to draw closer to the Savior, and through His sacred atonement to release myself from my sins.

My practice of Lent will look quite different than those of my Orthodox buddies. But the intent and the inner workings of the journey will have much in common.

Last night went to Stake Conference of my own faith where we were taught by the visiting General Authority, Elder Glenn Pace.

Part of what I got out of the conference is a better understanding of this basic teaching: Scriptures are not the most important avenue to truth. They are the PRELIMINARY to that truth, which is personal revelation. It is through the feelings we get from the Holy Ghost that we come to understand truth at its deepest level. It is important that we study sacred things and fill our mind with the teachings of the prophets, but that is simply like laying the kindling in preparation to light a fire. The Holy Spirit is the one who lights the fire within us to bring us enlightenment and truth, not the culmination of intellectual study of even the most serious scripture scholar. As we immerse ourselves in prayer and scripture study we will open our minds and hearts to receive personal revelation from on high, and over time we can school ourselves in how to recognize it, how to fully receive it, and when we do we must also learn how to follow it.

It is my hope that over the next 40 days of this season of Great Lent I will be able to follow that council. I will try to fine the courage, humility, and determination to do what I need to do to set aside the concerns of the world and open up my own spirit to whatever it is that my Heavenly Father would have me know.

I have two particular tools that I will be using during this time: the book 21 Days Closer to Christ by Emily Freeman and the Jesus Prayer.

This is what Deseret Book has to say about 21 Days: "Nestled between the covers of this beautifully illustrated book is an invitation--an invitation to come closer to Christ through a 21-day journey. Each step of the journey introduces a new concept that will help you come to know and recognize the hand of the Lord in your life. With an emphasis on daily scripture study and personal prayer, each chapter concludes with an assignment designed to help you apply and personalize concepts such as humility, gratitude, and listening to the Spirit. In the rush of everyday life, this unique book provides a refreshing pause and the opportunity to focus our efforts on becoming closer to Christ."

I picked this up at the LDS bookstore in Mesa when we were in AZ for my stepson's wedding. I've flipped through it some and been touched by the beauty of the artwork, inspired by the way the assignments are laid out. I am looking forward to digging in to the meat of it.

Then, my other tool will be the Jesus Prayer. This is something I learned from one of my Orthodox pals, Thomas R.: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner."

Overall I plan to spend more time in prayer in the coming weeks, and to make those prayers more meaningful. But aside from that assigned time in the quiet of my bedroom when I come to my knees, I will strive to keep the words of the Jesus Prayer in my mind throughout each day, silently repeating it as a backdrop to all that I do.

I have much to reflect on in coming to better undertand repentence and forgiveness.
Even though I don't do the ritual that took place today at St. Silouan and countless other Orthodox congregations around the world - I acknowledge that I need to ask for forgiveness for much.

Of the several blogs I write on this is the least read by others...so even though it is available publicly I don't really think of the things I say as meant for anyone but me. Still, for any of my friends or family who may stumble by...I ask for your forgiveness.

Whatever it is that you believe - be it bunnies and chocolate in baskets or the resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ, may your Easter/Pascha season be blessed.

New Group Blog

I may continue to post personal thoughts on spirituality here from time to time, as the mood strikes. However, lately most of my writing of that nature has been in private journals rather than here as I am still sorting out where I draw the line between what is sacred to me and what is open for public viewing.

For the truly public stuff having to do with all things LDS, I am going to be one of the contributing writers over at a new group blog called Waters of Mormon. It's a brand new blog that is just getting started as a collaboration between an interesting mix of folks.

If you are LDS, or just curious about what LDS people are saying on a variety of topics, I invite you to go check us out.

Callings

"We believe that a man must be called of God by prophecy and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority to preach the gospel and adminsiter in the ordinances thereof." Article of Faith #5

My husband just got a new calling. After a couple years serving in the Stake High Council he has been called as our Ward's High Priest Group Leader. The Stake President who called him gave him specific instructions to council with me as he made decisions, reminding him that although he will have other priesthood leaders set apart as his assistants, that my insights and input were valuable and appropriate as well.

So as we've been pondering over the ward roster, I've been thinking a lot about the nature of callings.

There are a couple other blogs where this issues has been discussed at length: Eric Nelson brought it up over at Brother of Jared and Aaron B. raised a question about whether or not callings were truly inspired over on By Common Consent.

I believe that many times church callings ARE inspired - that leaders are able to let go of their own personal preferences and bias to open up to know who the Lord would have serve in a given capacity at a particular time. However, I also have seen more than a few cases when choices appeared to be more a matter of desperation than inspiration. Also, I do not believe God ever has things so rigidly planned that only one certain person will do. In plenty of cases I believe there are multiple possibilities for who COULD serve in a given calling and all get the Lord's stamp of approval.

All that being said, it has been quite humbling to go through this process with my husband as we jointly have prayed to know who he should get as assistants in this calling. We went to the temple together to consider it deeper and have pondered on it for days. It has been interesting to watch the layers of our own opinions get peeled away to reveal names of individuals that neither one of us would ever have come up with on our own.

I have served in a variety of callings over the years - some of those callings I felt were truly inspired and some I felt were a matter of sticking someone into a slot that needed filled and believing I'd do no harm.

But this I know for sure: when human beings are willing to humble themselves and ask for God to communicate His will in matters like this, truly sacred communication occurs.

My Handcart is an SUV

We are fast approaching July 24 - known throughout Mormondom as "Pioneer Day."

Church sacrament meetings and Primary sharing times are replete with lessons learned from those hardy saints who struggled across the plains on their way to Zion.

I've been thinking more about what it is like for us modern day Latter day Saints who are striving to carry our lives across our own versions of the Rocky Mountains on our way to living back in the presence of God.

Our challenges may be different. But the effort and sacrifices required are much the same.

Events in the world seem to be spinning faster and faster with each passing year. What it takes to keep a family on track in this crazy world at times can feel more than a little daunting. The path is not always clear.

But then, when those first saints set out on their trek there was no carefully marked trail for them either. Like my sisters who went before me, I must blaze my own trail at times. I must be willing to keep pushing forward even when every fiber of my body is screaming to stop. I must remember that though the journey may be perilous and difficult, the destination I'm shooting for in no less that exhaltation.

And, like them, I can't do it all at once, but rather by doing the best that I can muster step by step, day by day.

Silver Linings

I've just finished listening to a book on tape I got from my local library - "Overcoming Life's Disappointments" by Harold Kushner. I've long respected Rabbi Kushner's work - going back to his early book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People." There were several nuggets, little slips of true and powerful principles in this book that will stay with me for some time. However, the one that really hit home had to do with glass & mirror.

A man was asked to look out a window and tell what it was that he saw. The man responded "I see people." He then was asked to look in a mirror and again report what he saw. "I see myself" was the obvious answer.

"Isn't that interesting?" his companion asked him. Both the window and the mirror are made of glass. However, the mirror has a thin coating of silver on it which obscures your ability to see out to others, making it so you can only see the reflection of yourself. How often is it that when we get a little silver we stop being able to see outside ourselves to others needs, feelings, and concerns and become caught up only with ourselves?

I've given some thought to the relationship between material abundance (getting some silver) and spiritual progression (how we see the world and ourselves.)

I do not believe that poverty is more spiritually honorable than abundance. I don't think that having nice things or a fat bank account is a sin. However, I have seen plenty of examples (both in scripture and in my own observations of the world) of people who allowed lust for money or the things it could provide to cloud their perspective and destroy their focus on the sacred.

In Matt. 6: 19-21 it says:
"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

I don't think this scripture means God is telling us it is bad or wrong to have a nice house or to discourage us from preparing for the future through 401K or other sound investing. But I DO think He is making very clear where our focus should be.

I think it is just as wrong to covet OUR OWN possessions as those of others. I believe I need to acknowledge that ALL THINGS with which the Lord has blessed me are mine only in stewardship. I have the opportunity and the responsibility to help others with my means and I need to make sure what my heart truly treasures is NOT the shiny things of this world, but the shining truths of eternity.

Easy to say - hard to do sometimes.

Each person must decide for himself/herself how much of their time, money, or other resources to give to lift others. How much is enough?

I routinely give 10% of my gross income in "tithing", but I do not consider that a donation at all. That's just giving back to God what was His in the first place. What I wrestle with is AFTER the 10%.... the stuff left over that feels like MINE. How much of that am I willing to share? What is my moral duty? What would I be willing to sacrifice or do without in order to help someone with less?

When does my longing for what's comfortable, convenient or pretty win out over what someone else may truly need? When does my silver cause me to look only at my own reflection rather than out at others?

I will continue to wrestle with that question, I suspect, prayerfully pondering and never really being sure what the best answer is.

I worked for a while as executive director of a non-profit emergency social service agency where I managed a foodbank and made arrangements for homeless shelter among other things. Day in and day out my work was all about helping those who were down and out. Through that experience I really did come to know that no matter how much we help, there will ALWAYS be more need that we can fill. So at what point can we consider our efforts "enough"? When is it okay to relax and enjoy what I have earned?

Is it morally ok to spend money on frivolous things like cable TV when I know there are people going hungry? On the one hand, no matter how much I give, there will still be people who lack. It doesn't really make sense to impoverish myself to help others. But should I get seconds and thirds and fourths of extra stuff (fancy vacations, eating in nice resturaunts, pricy new toys) when there are people who have not had their basic needs met?

As King Benjamin taught: "...I would that ye should impart of your substance to the poor, every man according to that which he hath, such as feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the sick and administering to their relief, both spiritually and temporally, according to their wants. And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength..." (Mosiah 4:26-27)

Clearly, there are no easy answers of how much is enough. We each ponder and pray and find the level that feels right for our family. I'd say that if our giving doesn't pinch some, require some level of sacrifice it's not enough. But how big that sacrifice should be... every person has to decide that for themself.