Proverbs 3:5 says: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding."
I believe in God. I really do. TRUST is a harder thing for me to accomplish.
I have no doubt that God is real. I have no doubt that God is all powerful. I believe that God CAN do anything. I'm not always so sure that the actions God WILL take are going to be what I would recognize as "Good" for me.
I generally believe that in the ETERNAL sense of the grand plan, all things collectively work together for good. But I strongly suspect that along the way of accomplishing all that good, sometimes individual lives must cope with all sorts of chaos, confusion and suffering. And that scares me. While I accept that God knows and loves me, I know from experience that in the interest of preserving free agency (both my own and that of others), and as a consequence of the fallen nature of this mortal world, horrible things will be allowed to occur in my life no matter how good or how faithful I may be.
So just what is it I am supposed to TRUST? Trust that He knows what is best for me? Trust that even when crummy stuff happens He can turn it into something good, even something holy?
YES.
Still, I struggle a lot with sorting out how much I should simply surrender to my life, being content to bear witness and learn from whatever unfolds there, and how much I should go all pro-active, deliberately striving to shape and mold the direction I will go in.
I really do believe that God has a plan for me. He just hasn't chosen to share the details of exactly what that entails. So I must stand in the face of tremendous uncertainty and ambivalence. I am now at a crossroads in my life once more - trying to decide what sort of work I will do and where in the country I will choose to live.
Does it matter to God if I am a teacher or a plumber or a social worker or a sales clerk? I don't really think so. Does he care if I live in Oregon or Arizona, Idaho or Alaska? I'm not sure.
Sometimes I think that events have been put into place specifically in order to guide me to a different situation where I will be able to influence and/or be influenced by particular people I need to come in contact with. Other times that seems pretty arrogant. Surely God has plenty of other people fit to do whatever job that needs doing in other places and it seems to stand to reason that there is plenty of important work I could accomplish right here were I am now. Why would I think I am so uniquely qualified or necessary to carry out some specific part of His plan somewhere else?
I honestly don't know what to think.
Did God influence the mergers of multi-national corporations so we would experience a transfer from Arizona to Ohio where my testimony of the gospel found fertile ground for growth? Was it God's hand at work when company changes came again, sending us this time to Michigan where my sweet husband served as Branch President for seven and a half years and had many opportunities to be a force for good among the people he served? Or does God simply USE rather than orchestrate events? Maybe stuff just happens and God then takes whatever circumstances occur to accomplish His will.
Does it matter which is which?
I just flat out do not know.
I want to TRUST that God will guide me and then provide the requisite opportunities I need to do whatever it is He wants me to do. However, I don't always have confidence I will recognize that guidance when it comes.
One of my core beliefs is that faith and fear cannot co-exist. One will always push out the other. I want to live my life focused on FAITH. That, more than anything else, is what I am working to do. But TRUST...that is a totally different kettle of fish, and really, really hard for me. There is much about trusting which I have yet to learn.
In the coming months, I have no doubt that the lessons will appear...
