Paradigm Shift

"...for as a flame increases when it is constantly fed, so prayer, made often, with the mind dwelling ever more deeply in God, arouses divine love in the heart."

I've been thinking a lot lately about prayer.

The above quote is from a book titled "The Art of Prayer: An Orthodox Anthology" - compiled by Iguman Chariton of Valamo, Translated by E. Kadloubovsky and E.M. Palmer, edited by Timothy Ware. (which all makes for a rather complicated footnote, to say the least.)

In Thesalonians 5:17 we are exhorted to "pray without ceasing".

But what does prayer really mean to me?
Do I expect my faithful prayers to significantly alter the outcome of circumstances in my life? In the past, I would have clearly said yes to that. More recently, however, I've begun to wonder.

Lately I've come to think that prayers are NOT to shift what happens TO me,
but rather what happens IN me.

For many years I've said the words "thy will be done" at the conclusion of many of my prayers. But I doubt I've ever really, truly MEANT those words. What I wanted, what I EXPECTED, was that if I was good enough and had enough faith, Heavenly Father would smile down upon me and grant me my wish, so long as it was a righteous desire.

I knew it would be inappropriate to pray for a Mazaradi. But I believed it was ok to pray for safety, pray for either myself or someone close to me to be healed from sickness, pray for things I really needed.

Sometimes those things did come. Sometimes they didn't.

What made the difference? Was it that mysterious thing named "God's Will"? Was it how much faith I exherted? Was it just random?

At different times I've believe it was each of these.

Recently there was something I prayed for with all the intent of my heart. It was something I felt was a righteous desire, something that would bless the life of a person very dear to me. I put all my faith on the line for this. It did not happen.

I was crushed. I was beyond disappointed. I was devastated that this did not come to pass.

Now, I have had LOTS of experience with wanting something, NOT getting it, and then recognizing at some later point that it was actually a GOOD thing that the answer had been NO to that particular prayer. While I am not a country music fan, I have long appreciated the Garth Brooks song that says:
"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
Remember when your talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Truly, as the Brooks song later says: "I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all." I know this with every fiber of my being, even when this thing I prayed for so fervently STILL seems like the right thing. I cannot, at this point, see any way that the person I love or anyone else involved is better off as a result of how things turned out. I still grieve for the missed opportunity. But I GET IT that I have a limited, finite view of things. I do not know what is for the best in the ETERNAL perspective.

So these days I am shifting my prayers quite a bit. I am no longer praying that I get a certain job or that my infertile friend will conceive or that my children or grandchildren will have certain blessings in their life. I still want those things. But I am not asking for any of them anymore.

For a while I was not asking because I was mad at God.
But I got over that.

Now I am not asking because I am acknowledging that I really and truly cannot see what is for the best. While there are plenty of things I WISH would happen, that I HOPE will happen, stuff I long for and dream about... I am crystal clear that being COMFORTABLE or SAFE or HAPPY or HEALTHY in this moment are not always the things I need.

So now when I pray I'm trying to bring only two things to the table.
#1 is gratitude for all the many blessing I already do have.
#2 is asking for ACCEPTANCE of whatever God's will for me may be.

God knows my heart. He knows what I want. Sometimes I will lay those out there...but I try to do it in such a way as to say: as I am consumed with the desire for XYZ, please help me accept whatever thy will may be.

In the great example prayer that Jesus Christ gave, He said "Give us this day our daily bread" and "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

This shows me that it is appropriate to ask God to have our basic needs met and to go to him for protection.

Still, I think for way too much of my life I've treated prayer presumptuously.
I believed that if I asked, God would provide (within reason).

Now I am more sure than ever that even though there will be lots of times God will not give me what I long for with all my heart, even though he will not always make things clear or comfortable or turn out with happy endings in this life

ETERNALLY the creator of this world does have a plan and is mindful of me. I can trust that even when I cannot see it or understand.