Paradigm Shift

"...for as a flame increases when it is constantly fed, so prayer, made often, with the mind dwelling ever more deeply in God, arouses divine love in the heart."

I've been thinking a lot lately about prayer.

The above quote is from a book titled "The Art of Prayer: An Orthodox Anthology" - compiled by Iguman Chariton of Valamo, Translated by E. Kadloubovsky and E.M. Palmer, edited by Timothy Ware. (which all makes for a rather complicated footnote, to say the least.)

In Thesalonians 5:17 we are exhorted to "pray without ceasing".

But what does prayer really mean to me?
Do I expect my faithful prayers to significantly alter the outcome of circumstances in my life? In the past, I would have clearly said yes to that. More recently, however, I've begun to wonder.

Lately I've come to think that prayers are NOT to shift what happens TO me,
but rather what happens IN me.

For many years I've said the words "thy will be done" at the conclusion of many of my prayers. But I doubt I've ever really, truly MEANT those words. What I wanted, what I EXPECTED, was that if I was good enough and had enough faith, Heavenly Father would smile down upon me and grant me my wish, so long as it was a righteous desire.

I knew it would be inappropriate to pray for a Mazaradi. But I believed it was ok to pray for safety, pray for either myself or someone close to me to be healed from sickness, pray for things I really needed.

Sometimes those things did come. Sometimes they didn't.

What made the difference? Was it that mysterious thing named "God's Will"? Was it how much faith I exherted? Was it just random?

At different times I've believe it was each of these.

Recently there was something I prayed for with all the intent of my heart. It was something I felt was a righteous desire, something that would bless the life of a person very dear to me. I put all my faith on the line for this. It did not happen.

I was crushed. I was beyond disappointed. I was devastated that this did not come to pass.

Now, I have had LOTS of experience with wanting something, NOT getting it, and then recognizing at some later point that it was actually a GOOD thing that the answer had been NO to that particular prayer. While I am not a country music fan, I have long appreciated the Garth Brooks song that says:
"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers.
Remember when your talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

Truly, as the Brooks song later says: "I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all." I know this with every fiber of my being, even when this thing I prayed for so fervently STILL seems like the right thing. I cannot, at this point, see any way that the person I love or anyone else involved is better off as a result of how things turned out. I still grieve for the missed opportunity. But I GET IT that I have a limited, finite view of things. I do not know what is for the best in the ETERNAL perspective.

So these days I am shifting my prayers quite a bit. I am no longer praying that I get a certain job or that my infertile friend will conceive or that my children or grandchildren will have certain blessings in their life. I still want those things. But I am not asking for any of them anymore.

For a while I was not asking because I was mad at God.
But I got over that.

Now I am not asking because I am acknowledging that I really and truly cannot see what is for the best. While there are plenty of things I WISH would happen, that I HOPE will happen, stuff I long for and dream about... I am crystal clear that being COMFORTABLE or SAFE or HAPPY or HEALTHY in this moment are not always the things I need.

So now when I pray I'm trying to bring only two things to the table.
#1 is gratitude for all the many blessing I already do have.
#2 is asking for ACCEPTANCE of whatever God's will for me may be.

God knows my heart. He knows what I want. Sometimes I will lay those out there...but I try to do it in such a way as to say: as I am consumed with the desire for XYZ, please help me accept whatever thy will may be.

In the great example prayer that Jesus Christ gave, He said "Give us this day our daily bread" and "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

This shows me that it is appropriate to ask God to have our basic needs met and to go to him for protection.

Still, I think for way too much of my life I've treated prayer presumptuously.
I believed that if I asked, God would provide (within reason).

Now I am more sure than ever that even though there will be lots of times God will not give me what I long for with all my heart, even though he will not always make things clear or comfortable or turn out with happy endings in this life

ETERNALLY the creator of this world does have a plan and is mindful of me. I can trust that even when I cannot see it or understand.

Trust In the Lord With All Your Heart

Proverbs 3:5 says: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding."

I believe in God. I really do. TRUST is a harder thing for me to accomplish.

I have no doubt that God is real. I have no doubt that God is all powerful. I believe that God CAN do anything. I'm not always so sure that the actions God WILL take are going to be what I would recognize as "Good" for me.

I generally believe that in the ETERNAL sense of the grand plan, all things collectively work together for good. But I strongly suspect that along the way of accomplishing all that good, sometimes individual lives must cope with all sorts of chaos, confusion and suffering. And that scares me. While I accept that God knows and loves me, I know from experience that in the interest of preserving free agency (both my own and that of others), and as a consequence of the fallen nature of this mortal world, horrible things will be allowed to occur in my life no matter how good or how faithful I may be.

So just what is it I am supposed to TRUST? Trust that He knows what is best for me? Trust that even when crummy stuff happens He can turn it into something good, even something holy?

YES.

Still, I struggle a lot with sorting out how much I should simply surrender to my life, being content to bear witness and learn from whatever unfolds there, and how much I should go all pro-active, deliberately striving to shape and mold the direction I will go in.

I really do believe that God has a plan for me. He just hasn't chosen to share the details of exactly what that entails. So I must stand in the face of tremendous uncertainty and ambivalence. I am now at a crossroads in my life once more - trying to decide what sort of work I will do and where in the country I will choose to live.

Does it matter to God if I am a teacher or a plumber or a social worker or a sales clerk? I don't really think so. Does he care if I live in Oregon or Arizona, Idaho or Alaska? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I think that events have been put into place specifically in order to guide me to a different situation where I will be able to influence and/or be influenced by particular people I need to come in contact with. Other times that seems pretty arrogant. Surely God has plenty of other people fit to do whatever job that needs doing in other places and it seems to stand to reason that there is plenty of important work I could accomplish right here were I am now. Why would I think I am so uniquely qualified or necessary to carry out some specific part of His plan somewhere else?

I honestly don't know what to think.

Did God influence the mergers of multi-national corporations so we would experience a transfer from Arizona to Ohio where my testimony of the gospel found fertile ground for growth? Was it God's hand at work when company changes came again, sending us this time to Michigan where my sweet husband served as Branch President for seven and a half years and had many opportunities to be a force for good among the people he served? Or does God simply USE rather than orchestrate events? Maybe stuff just happens and God then takes whatever circumstances occur to accomplish His will.

Does it matter which is which?

I just flat out do not know.

I want to TRUST that God will guide me and then provide the requisite opportunities I need to do whatever it is He wants me to do. However, I don't always have confidence I will recognize that guidance when it comes.

One of my core beliefs is that faith and fear cannot co-exist. One will always push out the other. I want to live my life focused on FAITH. That, more than anything else, is what I am working to do. But TRUST...that is a totally different kettle of fish, and really, really hard for me. There is much about trusting which I have yet to learn.

In the coming months, I have no doubt that the lessons will appear...

I Believe In Christ

This morning I was exploring around the website JesusChrist.lds.org which is a relatively new tool my church has developed to proclaim to the world what it is we believe about Jesus Christ. It's a great resource!

There is so much uncertainty in the world... now, more than ever I think it matters that I hold on tight to the one thing I KNOW I can be sure of: God lives. He is real. He is the creator of this world, this universe, and my spirit. He knows me on a very specific, personal, individual level and He cares about the choices I make. He has my best interest at heart. He wants me to be all I was created to be.

There is a great deal I do not know, but this I know for sure. God lives.

One of my very favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Mosiah 4:9 which says:
"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. "

That's for sure. But it's totally ok that I do not comprehend it all, because HE does. When I am lost, I know that HE will help me find my way.